


Back Again

by deanislife



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Kiss, M/M, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-11
Updated: 2015-11-11
Packaged: 2018-05-01 02:16:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5188334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deanislife/pseuds/deanislife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in Season One.<br/>Sam and Dean are back together again after Stanford, and they have missed each other. Sam has a song that always makes him think of Dean even when he doesn't want to.</p>
<p>Song is "Bloodstream" by Stateless</p>
            </blockquote>





	Back Again

The young man was on the bed in the motel room with his arms spread wide, legs crossed at the ankles, an iPod resting in the middle of his chest. His earbuds were in his ears, his eyes closed, lost in his own world. He needed this break from reality. Just for a little while. Just him, some good music for once, and no Dean around him. He thought being back with his brother after their separation was going to take some adjustment, and it had. But he wasn't prepared for how simple it had turned out to be. Seeing him again every day. Hearing his voice, his laughter. Watching that smirk and the light in his eyes when he was amused. Seeing the depth of emotion that Sam felt only he could see there. Watching the anger as it crossed Dean's face when something went against his way of thinking. Sam was right back to where he had been before Stanford ever happened. It was as if no time had passed at all. 

“Gaaaaahhhhhh!” Sam yelled as he curled into himself and rolled to his side. Bringing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them, he sighed heavily. “This sucks!”

Part of the reason he had gone to school was to give himself a chance to get rid of these feelings. He thought he had beaten it altogether. It was so easy to believe he had when there was no Dean around. When he surrounded himself with new things, new people, new information, and Jess, he could push those thoughts and feelings to the background. But now, he was right back in it again. If he were honest with himself, all it took was Dean walking through his apartment door to put him right back in the middle of it.

The night that Dean had returned to his world still shook Sam whenever he allowed himself to think about it. Awakened from a deep sleep by a noise in the apartment, his first thought was to protect Jess from whatever thing had gotten past the defenses he had set up. As he moved through the apartment that night, he could see a person shaped being moving from one room to another. A person shaped thing that moved in a way that was both familiar and completely new. He remembered trying to take down the thing that was in his space and being thrown to his back.

He should have known right away that it was Dean. He should have recognized his brother right away, but he didn't. Too much time had passed since the last time they had seen one another. He thought he would never see his brother again, so having Dean there was the last thing on his mind. He was startled and surprised to feel his brother's weight on him as he laid on the floor looking up into those gorgeous eyes. He had instantly felt everything that he had been blocking out for the past three years. All that stuff that he thought he had tamped down came bubbling back to the surface. 

Now that they were traveling together again, fighting the fight, Sam was confronted with those feelings all of the time. No break from the overwhelming sense of "wrongness" to his feelings. 

He had been hoping that the playlist he had queued up would take him back to Stanford and give him that much-needed break by bringing up Deanless memories. He wanted memories of his friends and his classes, time spent in libraries and at coffee shops hovering over textbooks. Maybe even more pleasant memories of Jess than he had entertained in months. Something that gave him peace of mind. 

He hadn’t listened to that particular playlist since before Dean walked back into his life. It had been one of his favorites during his junior year, full of songs from the clubs he frequented and songs that his friends had introduced him to. Nothing that Dean would ever allow to be played inside his precious Impala. But, Sam thought, _I should have known time spent NOT thinking about Dean was impossible_. 

He had been fine through the first couple of songs, but then “that song” came on. Sam had forgotten that it was part of this playlist. He should have known. It had been one of his favorites during that time much to Jess's aggravation and distress. Even at Stanford and with Jess in his life, “that song” had made him think of Dean and crave his presence. 

Jess never could understand his fascination with the song. He certainly couldn't explain it to her. All that she knew was that when it came on, she disappeared for Sam. He would always go into his own head space and remain there until the song ended. The lasting effects of the song bothered her, too. She knew that it had something to do with someone Sam had cared a lot about, but she had no idea who or what the circumstances were. Sam became someone else for a good ten minutes after that song came on. Someone melancholy and distant. Someone who barked at her if she dared speak to him, anger like nothing she had ever seen flashing out of his eyes. Whenever they played it at the club, she would just walk away. She knew Sam was a deep person and that his brain worked much faster and on a deeper level than anyone else she had ever met. She also knew that he had secrets that she would never know. She loved him anyway, and tried to understand that this was something she would have to deal with if she wanted Sam. She felt that he was worth it. At least, that's what she had told Sam when they discussed it.

As soon as the song started this time, he knew he was in trouble. He just couldn’t skip it though. It wasn’t humanly possible. He was addicted to the song just as much as he was to Dean. He couldn't function on a normal level when this song took him over.

The piano entry hooked him and Sam was a goner. The melancholy and haunting music began, and Sam lost himself in the lyrics.

_Wake up and look me in the eyes again  
I need to feel your hand upon my face_

As a child, when Dean was the only real "parent" Sam had, Dean was the one who gave the tender caresses of a mother. When Sam was sick, Dean would stay by the bed, checking his head for fever. Dean would run his fingers along Sam's forehead and then along his jawline. Dean was the one responsible for making sure Sam was clean, and Sam remembered Dean's fingers in his hair while Sam sat in the bathtub. Sam missed those loving little touches.

At Stanford, Sam always thought about all of the causal touches between himself and his brother. The brotherly punches to shoulders. The gentle, teasing hand smacks when one was trying to grab something the other one wanted. The elbows to ribs when something was funny. The occasional arm slung over the shoulder when camaraderie was high. These were the things that Sam missed. Sam was desperate for just those casual touches that seemed like so little at the time. Sam still felt that same desperation for physical contact with Dean. Any time he could get his hands on Dean's skin was electrical for him. Chances were few and far between and usually revolved around someone's injury, but Sam was happy to take what he could get.

_Words can be like knives_  
They can cut you open  
And then the silence surrounds you  
And haunts you 

It was as if the singer knew exactly what he and Dean had been through, exactly what Sam felt and thought.

For him and Dean, words could be like knives at times. Things were taken out of context or struck a nerve at the wrong time. Or were said to intentionally take the other one down a peg or two. There was still so much between them that they hadn’t spoken about. Too much air to clear. And Dean never wanted to talk about anything. That silence from Dean certainly surrounded Sam all too often.

_I think I might’ve inhaled you_  
I can feel you behind my eyes  
You’ve gotten into my bloodstream  
I can feel you flowing in me 

Sam exhaled heavily. It seemed like he was surrounded by Dean. Even when Dean was nowhere around. He could easily call to mind all the things about Dean that he loved. This was so aggravating for Sam. The Sam Brain wouldn't let it go. While Dean was out getting supplies and some food for dinner, Sam knew he would have at least an hour and a half of Deanless space. But these lyrics, this music, woke up such a deep longing in his bones. He ached with need. No break from thoughts of Dean after all. He was becoming consumed by them once again.

There was no Sam without Dean. He knew it so deeply inside his soul that there was no way to ever get rid of Dean. Even though there was a "wrongness" to his longing for his brother, he also knew that no one else would ever fill the space that Dean took up within him. There was a certain "rightness" to it, too. For Sam, the "rightness" was becoming so much stronger than the "wrongness". Something had to give.

_Words can be like knives_  
They can cut you open  
And then the silence surrounds you  
And haunts you 

They were between jobs at the moment. A couple of days respite before heading on to the next job. They had decided to find a decent motel to take a bit of a break. The last job had been a tough one for both of them, and they felt like they deserved some rest and relaxation. Unfortunately for Sam, relaxation was not in the cards.

Granted, the beds were better than any they had recently had, but laying there in all of this comfy, open space left Sam feeling more distanced and lonelier than if he were back in his apartment in Palo Alto. The fact that he got to spend so much down time with Dean in close proximity wasn’t helping either. Dean was there, but he was never close enough. He always kept a distance between them. Sam knew that Dean was afraid that Sam would take off again, and was trying to keep himself safe from the hurt of Sam's eventual desertion. Sam had begun to feel that if he even tried to leave, his heart would rip itself out of his chest and stay with Dean of its own accord.

_I think I might’ve inhaled you_  
I can feel you behind my eyes  
You’ve gotten into my bloodstream  
I can feel you flowing in me 

In the dark spaces Sam didn’t want to acknowledge, he longed for the days when he and Dean were traveling with their father and were forced to cramp up together in one bed. The unavoidable contact of skin on skin, breath against shoulders or against bare necks. The soft rustle of leg hairs when feet strayed to the wrong part of the bed. The sound of Dean's breath mere inches from his own. Waking up nestled under a casually tossed arm. He could have kept that intimacy if he had just stayed put. But not being able to stay put had little to do with Dean and everything to do with their father. Of course, Sam allowed, the feelings he had for Dean would have shown themselves eventually. And wouldn’t that have been fabulous? That certainly would have given his hard-nosed father even more reason to hate his youngest child.

As it stood, he was already a disappointment and a disgrace. John Winchester was nobody's fool, but education of the sort that Sam had wanted didn't rank high on John's scale of importance. Fighting demons and all of the other creatures that most people didn't even believe in was far too important to him. Anything that took away from that was worthless in John's eyes. Sam’s stomach tightened with the thought of what John would think about Sam now if he knew what Sam was fighting. 

_The spaces in between_  
Two minds and all the places they have been  
The spaces in between  
I try to put my finger on it  
I try to put my finger on it 

Sam's mind wandered again to all of that wasted time. Time he had spent away from Dean. He groaned in pain as his mind found all of those memories of how lost and alone he had felt. Now, he had to convince Dean that he was back. That he wouldn't leave again. They didn't need to have this distance between them anymore. That they could have that close brotherly relationship again. It wasn't exactly what Sam wanted, but he would take it just to have Dean fully back. 

He could have kept that closeness with Dean if he had just battled through things with his dad. If he hadn't thought the answer to his problems was finding more and different somewhere else. What more could he possibly need? Dean was everything. Now he had to work to rebuild that comfortable space, that ability to touch his brother without recriminations.

Sam longed to move into that space with Dean again. To be able to touch him, to caress him, without Dean questioning him about it. The space between them was just too painful to Sam now.

Sam rolled onto his back again and tried desperately to relax. He stretched his arms back out to his sides, consciously stretched his legs down the bed, and tried to just let his mind go. He let the lyrics consume him and the music encompass him. He slowed his breathing and began to drift.

_I think I might’ve inhaled you_  
I can feel you behind my eyes  
You’ve gotten into my bloodstream  
I can feel you flowing in me 

After setting the song to be on constant repeat, Sam drifted off to sleep with visions of Dean in his head. 

_I think I might’ve inhaled you_  
I can feel you behind my eyes  
You’ve gotten into my bloodstream  
I can feel you floating in me 

*-*-*

When Dean entered the room twenty minutes later, he was greeted with the sight of Sam stretched out on the bed, looking like an invitation. Dean’s eyes roamed across his brother’s body, drinking in the vision that was his "little" brother. Looking from one hand, up those arms that stretched for miles, across that muscular chest, to the other hand, noticing those long, strong fingers. Taking his time by starting at the tips of Sam’s feet and slowly moving up his body to that innocent and beautiful face. Dean grinned and shook his head. 

Sam was beautiful, that much was absolutely true. Those elfish features and those amazing hazel eyes that changed with his emotions. Sam was also aggravating and brilliant and annoying and strong and funny and pushy and caring and awesome! Dean shook his head again and moved to the little table to put their dinner on the table. He had to make another trip out to the car to grab the other supplies, but he wanted to take full advantage of this opportunity to take in everything that Sammy was without those gorgeous eyes watching his every move.

Sam seemed really wary of Dean lately, and it was beginning to set Dean’s teeth on edge. It seemed as if Sam was watching and taking notes or something. Every time Dean looked up from whatever he was working on, Sam’s eyes would be on him or just glancing away. It was starting to get under Dean’s skin a bit. Had Sam figured out what Dean was trying to hide from him? If so, why hadn’t he said anything about it? Sam always pushed things. Always wanted to talk about everything. But Sam had really not wanted to talk about much outside of the job lately. 

Dean found it very difficult to get Sam to just chat. Everything had to be so focused. It was almost as if Sam was trying not to relax around Dean. As if he were afraid of not being "hunter enough" or something. Like he had to prove something. Sam didn't have to prove anything to Dean. Sam was perfect just the way he was. That big ol' brain of his could figure out things so quickly. He was a great hunter, now that he was back into the swing of things. He had great instincts, and they worked together like well-oiled machinery. Just like they always had.

Dean had been afraid at first. Maybe the time away would have changed Sam, made him weaker or off his game. But that most definitely wasn't the case. Dean had begun to think that Sam had never let his guard down the whole time he had been away. Sam may not like being a hunter, but he certainly accomplished it to the fullest. Anything Sam put his mind to, he made happen. That just blew Dean away sometimes!

Hopefully though, Sam would appreciate Dean’s attempt to lighten things up with a movie tonight. Dean really wanted to just relax, eat dinner and share some time with his brother. He had missed Sammy so much when he was away at that damn school. And things had just been so busy and tense since they had gotten back together again. All of this crap with Dad. What happened to Jess. Jobs that turned out to be more difficult than anticipated. Dean just wanted his baby brother back again. To just laugh with him, to goof off and not have to take anything too seriously. Just for a little while.

Dean moved quietly back to the door, trying not to wake Sam before he had gotten everything into the room. A well-rested Sammy was a happy Sammy after all. What Dean needed tonight was some serious downtime and a chance to regain the playfulness that had always defined their relationship. He needed his Sammy back.

After Dean quietly closed the door behind him, Sam’s eyes slowly opened. He could smell the pizza, and he stretched in luxury. Dean had been here, he knew. He needed to get moving, but this bed was just too comfortable. With "that song" still circling in his ears, Sam slowly moved to a sitting position and ran his hands through his hair before standing again. As he raised his hands above his head and lengthened his spine, his t-shirt raised exposing his lower back and his lower abs. That, and the fact that the waistband of his jeans had slipped down, exposed quite a bit of skin. With his back to the door, Sam didn’t notice Dean re-entering the room. Dean was stopped dead in his tracks by the vision in front of him this time. He felt a swooping sensation in his lower abdomen and could feel his eyes getting larger. His breathing hitched, and he swallowed deeply. Damn! Dean thought. For the third time in the last twenty minutes, Dean shook his head as he tried to clear his mind, body, and face from that reaction to his brother’s body. He looked away and moved toward the table with his haul. 

Sam slowly removed his earphones and switched off his iPod. He flinched when he noticed that Dean had returned to the room without his being aware of it. He must be more comfortable here than he thought.

“Hey, Dean!” he called softly. “Need any help!”

“No, Sleeping Beauty. I got it all!” Dean huffed out a laugh, still feeling uncomfortable. Keeping his eyes averted, Dean settled his haul on the floor in the corner. “Want some pizza? I got us a movie.”

“Cool!” Sam replied, heading to the table. “Pizza smells great! Thanks!”

“Anything for you, Baby Boy!” Dean grinned at Sam. 

Sam lightly punched Dean’s shoulder, and turned his face quickly away from Dean. Dean had just given Sam one of the deadly combinations. One that made his heart pound and a flush run over his body. Dean had given Sam that sexy grin and had used a nickname that he hadn’t used in years. Sam felt warm all over and didn’t want to run the risk of Dean catching that flush on his face. In order to completely cover himself, he headed toward the bathroom. “Be right back!”

After he got the door closed, Sam leaned against it and slowly lowered himself into a squat. He covered his face with his hands and took a deep breath. “Holy crap!” he whispered. 

He stood and moved slowly to the sink. After splashing his face with cool water, he looked into his own eyes in the mirror. “Pull it together, Sam!” he groaned. With his hands on the sink, he leaned forward slightly and took a deep breath. “You can do this! Just be his brother and get those other thoughts out of your head!”

Meanwhile, Dean was doing his own version of a pep talk out in the main room. His breathing was still slightly out of whack, but he was getting it back under control by the time Sam emerged from the bathroom. Crazy thoughts were running rampant through Dean’s head, but his face refused to show any signs of that. “Alright, Sammy! Pizza, beer, and a movie with your big brother! What could be better than that?”

“Not much, Dean.” Sam replied, nonchalant. “And it’s Sam.”

Dean grinned in response. He loved making Sam say those words. He knew it drove Sam crazy when he called him Sammy. It was one of his big brother privileges to pick on Sammy as often as possible.

"Did you get Veggie?" Sam asked as he walked toward the table.

"Yep. One is Veggie for the girls and the other is for me! Meat pizza!" He grunted, laughing at the face he got in return for his antics. "Come on, Sammy! Lighten up! We're on vacation for crying out loud!"

"I know, I know." Sam shook his head. He grinned at his brother, eyes sparkling. When his eyes met Dean's, he felt warmth flooding his body again. Dean's eyes were lit up and sparkling back at him. 

Dean felt that swooping sensation in his lower abdomen again when his eyes met Sam's. There was warmth in Sam's eyes, and Dean wanted that look to stay there forever. He felt so happy seeing that in Sam again. He walked next to Sam and bumped Sam's hip with his own. He looked up into Sam's eyes and got lost for a second. Without breaking eye contact, he growled, “Let’s get it on!”

As soon as the words left his mouth, Dean knew he had messed up royally. The color drained from his face and his heartbeat sped up. He stumbled away from his brother, eyes wide. Panic caused his mouth to go dry in a heartbeat. He slowly raised his eyes to Sam’s face to notice a similar set of symptoms overtaking Sam. Sam’s breath was rapid and shallow. His face was pale and his hazel eyes were over large. The tension in the room kicked into overdrive.

“That came out wrong.” Dean hastily explained. “I… I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.”

He could hear Sam swallowing from across the room. Dean had no way to know why Sam was reacting the way he was, but he knew Sam was freaking out. Dean cursed himself silently. If he hadn't just freaked out himself, he could have laughed it off. He could have pretended that nothing out of the ordinary had happened. But his stupid body and mouth betrayed him by responding the way they did. 

Dean assumed Sam's reaction was because Sam now knew that Dean wanted him, and Sam didn’t want to go there. That was obviously the last thing on Sam’s mind. Sam was registering Dean’s reaction as a mirrored image of his own. Dean's startled response to what he had said let Sam know that Dean was thinking about Sam in a non-brotherly way, too. There was no denying it now. Dean's growl had lit a flame inside him that had been just on the edge all day. He was suddenly scared but excited at the same time. Now, he had to be careful.

“Uh… okay.” Sam mumbled. He took one slow step toward Dean as if he were approaching a wild animal. “Uh… Dean?”

Sam looked into Dean’s eyes. When their eyes made contact this time, they both felt a tremor run down their spines. 

“Yeah, Sam?” Dean responded breathlessly without breaking eye contact. 

Sam took another step closer to Dean, and reached his hand toward Dean’s face.

“Can I touch you?”

Now it was Dean’s turn to swallow. He closed his eyes and gave Sam a quick nod. He kept his eyes closed and felt Sam’s fingertips gently brushing along his cheek bone. He leaned into the touch, trying desperately to not let the moan escape his lips. He had been wanting contact like this from Sam for such a long time. As he opened his eyes, he realized that Sam was a lot closer to him than he thought. He immediately found Sam’s eyes again. Sam’s pupils were blown wide, and now Dean did moan. He felt Sam’s hand gently touch his hip. Softly, Dean said, “Sam?”

“Yeah, Dean?” Sam answered just as breathlessly.

“Can I...” Dean whispered.

“Anything, Dean.” Sam responded quickly and quietly.

Dean moved closer without losing eye contact. Placing his left hand on Sam’s right hip, he moved his right hand to the back of Sam’s neck. He leaned up and in. Closing his eyes, he brushed his lips gently against Sam’s mouth and felt Sam begin to pant. Enjoying that reaction, Dean increased the pressure of his mouth against his brother’s. Sam tilted his head slightly, and his mouth softened against Dean’s. 

Sam was lost in the sensation of his brother’s lips against his own. With his eyes closed and Dean right there, Sam couldn’t believe what was happening. He had to verify that this was reality. He moved his head away slightly and opened his eyes. Yep, Dean was right there. Sam watched as Dean’s eyes flickered open. Those beautiful green eyes were blissful and soft. 

Sam slid his hand along Dean’s cheekbone again. He felt Dean’s breath ghosting on his face. Sam leaned forward again and returned his lips to Dean’s. 

Suddenly, Dean realized what was happening. He gently pushed Sam away and turned his head away. He cleared his throat roughly and turned his body away. He felt, more than saw, Sam’s disappointment. 

“Sam, I…” Dean began, only to be cut off by Sam.

“No, Dean. Stop!” Sam moved closer to Dean’s back and placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “This is not your fault, you will not take any guilt over this. I’m the one who started it. I want it. God, I want you! So much! But if you don’t want this, I won’t touch you again. At least, not like that. I’m sorry.”

Sam moved his hand off of Dean’s shoulder and moved toward his bed to begin to pack up his bag. If Dean didn't want this, he had to get away from here. At least for a little while! He couldn't look into those eyes and see any more guilt that was of his own making. He'd really stepped in it this time. He had crossed that line that he had kept so firm until now. Now he just knew he was going to lose Dean as a brother and a friend. 

What he didn’t see was the look of fear and regret on Dean’s face. Dean’s breathing had become hitched, and his eyes widened. He whirled toward Sam and moved quickly across the floor to throw his arms around Sam’s waist from behind. He held Sam, resting his forehead between Sam’s shoulders.

“No!” he said quietly, trying desperately to slow and calm his breathing. 

Sam’s body had ceased to move. He was afraid to move in case Dean hadn’t yet realized what he was doing. Dean was holding him as if he were the most precious thing in existence. Sam allowed himself to just soak that sensation in for a few minutes just in case it was all ripped away from him again.

“No, Sammy!” Dean said a little louder. “Don’t do this! Don’t pack your stuff! Don’t walk out that door! Don’t leave me again!”

Dean slid his right hand upward from where it lay at Sam’s waist and placed it over Sam’s heart. After a few seconds, Sam lifted his own hand and placed it over Dean’s. He could feel Dean working through something in his head, and he wanted to encourage him without being overbearing. He knew that if he started asking questions, Dean would shut down. So Sam just continued to stand as still as possible and wait him out.

“I don’t want you to go anywhere, Sam.” Dean stated. “I need you here with me. I want you here with me.” Dean huffed out a sigh, swallowed, and after a minute he continued. “I’m not good…with feelings…or words. I’m better with actions, but sometimes I screw those up too. I’m trying…to…”

When Dean sputtered to a stop, Sam gently stroked the hand that hadn’t moved from his heart. His fingertips brushed softly along his brother’s hand. 

“It’s okay, Dean.” Sam whispered. “I’m not going anywhere. Say what you need to say.”

Dean cleared his throat again, and turned his head in order to lay his cheek on his brother’s back. He moved even closer to Sam’s back until his feet were almost completely between Sam’s. 

“I want you too, Sammy!” Dean whispered. “And it scares the hell out of me because it will mean so much to me to be with you like that. I've never given myself to anyone like I feel like I could do with you because I’ve never loved anyone in my life the way that I love you. You are always in my head. Always in my heart. You are my life. If this happens between us, it has to be for the right reasons. And it has to be because you love me too. It can’t just be a quick screw and done. I…I wouldn’t make it! I know I don’t…deserve that kind of love. Especially not from you…but I’d rather die right now than have you like that, and it not mean anything to you. I know…I’m the king of ‘one and done,’ but…”

Sam could feel his eyes filling with tears. He could hear the pain in his brother’s voice, and he knew that some of that pain was put there by him. He would give anything to take that pain away, and to help Dean believe that he was worth all of the love that Sam wanted so desperately to give him and more.

“Not with you.” Dean whispered. “Never with you.”

Sam gently squeezed Dean’s hand and began to twist to be able to see Dean’s face. He managed to turn around within Dean’s arms without knocking them both over, but Dean wouldn’t raise his face. Sam gently placed his fingertips under Dean’s chin and lifted it toward his own. Dean’s eyes were squeezed shut, and there was a tear trail on his cheek. Sam gently placed his lips to his brother’s forehead, then to each eyelid. He wrapped his arms loosely around Dean’s shoulders and sighed deeply.

“Dean,” he began. “I have been in love with you for a long as I can remember.” Dean shook his head slowly from side to side and then leaned his forehead against Sam’s chest. “Dean, it’s true! Part of the reason I went away to Stanford was because I didn’t think I could ever get thoughts of you out of my head, and that you would hate me if you knew about those thoughts. When I told you I wanted ‘safe,’ I meant safe for our relationship as brothers. I thought that if I couldn't have you the way I wanted, I didn't want to run the risk of messing up what we had. If I had stayed with you and Dad, I wouldn’t have been able to hide my feelings from you. Or even worse, from him. I put distance between us to try to push those feelings away. I was trying to save what we had. But guess what?" Sam let out a small self-deprecating laugh. "As soon as you walked into my apartment that night, it hit me smack in the face. Those feelings hadn’t gone away, hadn't lessened. And they never will.”

Sam tried to get Dean to look at him again and was still denied. 

“Dean, you are the reason I get up and do this damn job every day. I'm here because this is where you are. If you wanted me to leave, I’d go, but I don’t know how long I’d make it without you there by my side. I have a craving for you. I... I know that sounds weird, but I don't know how else to describe it. I crave your grins, your laughter, your stupid jokes, your stupid music, those deep emotions that you try to hide from everyone. Your macho bullshit. You are truly a pain in my ass sometimes, but I wouldn’t want to give that up for anything or anyone in this entire existence. I love you! And I am willing to spend the rest of my life proving that to you.”

Dean finally looked up into Sam’s face. 

“Really, Sammy?” he asked.

“Yeah. Really, Dean!” Sam smiled. He placed another gentle kiss on Dean's cheek, and then tried to move away. Dean tightened his grip, not giving Sam a chance to move. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise! I just want you to listen to something for me.”

Dean reluctantly let Sam go and just stood there while Sam grabbed his iPod. After getting the song queued up at the beginning, he handed it to Dean. Dean put the earbuds on and looked at Sam.

“You’re not gonna play me any of your girl music are you?” Dean said with a hint of mischief in his eyes.

“Just listen, Jerk!” Sam laughed, shaking his head.

As the music began, Dean wrinkled his forehead. He was afraid he wasn’t going to like the song and then he would have to make something up for Sammy. He didn’t want to wreck whatever was going on here so quickly. The piano sound was haunting and melancholy. When the singer’s voice began, Dean sank onto the bed. He closed his eyes and focused on the lyrics. Before he knew it, tears were in his eyes again. Without opening his eyes, he knew Sam was kneeling beside him. He felt Sam’s hand on his knee, and placed his own hand on top of it. As the song neared its end, Dean opened his eyes and saw Sammy, his Sammy, with tears running down his face looking back at him with love and gratitude in his eyes. Dean removed the earbuds.

“Every time I heard that song when I was at Stanford, I thought about you. Wanted to be with you. I have been laying here for almost the entire time you were gone listening to that song, thinking about you. Dean…” Sam struggled with his voice. “We can go as slow as you want, so that you will trust me when I tell you that I…love…you. And I don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon.”

Dean reached out and laid his hand against Sam’s cheek. Sam nuzzled his face into Dean’s palm. 

“Sammy,” Dean whispered as Sam smiled at him warmly. “I love you, Baby Boy.” He then leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on Sam’s forehead. 

“Hey, Dean!" Sam said softly. "Let’s eat some pizza and watch a movie. We’ll take it slow. No need to rush anything. Right?”

Dean nodded. 

Sam stood up and held a hand out to help Dean up. Dean took it and kept it until it was more prudent to let go in order to get his food. Before letting go, he raised that beautiful, enormous hand to his lips and placed a kiss on the back of it. Sam grinned and thought that his life had just gotten so much better.


End file.
